We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
My bed is full of blood and feathers
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Someone stole a lamp last night.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
The Olympian is in my bed
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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