I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
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