FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Randomize
