I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Randomize
