my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
She announced her abortion via fbk
it was better than the time i puked and I forgot to open the lid of the toilet
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
