2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Randomize
