I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Randomize
