did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I think I just figured out how to make weed tea in the coffeemaker.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
