no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
Randomize
