I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I wasn't sure if "you're even prettier in the dark" was a compliment. Hmm.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
Randomize
