the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
hey in girl talk does "want to come over tonight and have some beers with me?" mean i want wiener?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
