he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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