you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
