I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
