Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Your parents are gone and we haven't fucked in their bed... why?
Randomize
