just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
