I wish I could teleport
You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude
You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?
Shut the hell up.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
