Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
this girl walked outta his room as i was walkin in to scottys and i just say " time for the walk of shame baby! whoooo!". she ran away
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Randomize
