She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
I promised her before I left that I'd make good choices and then got drunk and fucked my best friend and her boyfriend.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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