you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
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