DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
today he pulled me aside to show me a lawn mower that he drew above his pubes. I saw his pubes in all their glory. Right there. In spanish class. Hola.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
