where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
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