this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
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