I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
