i was born a porn star she said
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
this kid in class is playing minesweeper and just slammed the desk because he lost. thank god were normal.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
