did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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