I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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