I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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