So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came
i love that song!
NOT THE POINT
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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