You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
It’s Sunday Funday! Stop watching football and bring your penis over here. There will be plenty of scoring!
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