When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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