Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I am midnight drunk by noon
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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