Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
