I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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