well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Randomize
