Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
Randomize