shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
His mom just described him as a manipulative, deceitful bastard -- oddly I still want him
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
