the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
