I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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