The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
