If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
This is not my ceiling
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
