I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
