You can't special order awesome
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
Randomize
