Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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