And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
