If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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