ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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