i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
