Ambien. No doubt about it.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
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