I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
We basically counted to 3 and then dumped each other.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
