who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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