seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
