I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
soo... how was my night?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
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