somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
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