I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
