he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
spending the week with her family was quite possibly the longest ive ever gone without having a boner
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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