Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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