I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
That tampon felt like a stick in my vagina, I am never making a drunken tampon choice again. Friends don't let friends choose tampons drunk.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
