remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
Randomize
