she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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