you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
