I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
So what other shows do you masturbate to? Or is it just friends
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
